I came home tonight at 8:30.
my parents were at home.
my mouth fell open.
I asked them "what the hell are you doing here?"
why aren't you in aotearoa?

aotearoa.

that's a nice name.
it means 'land of the long white cloud' in maori.
that's new zealand.

harsh facts.

I must face them. for now it's RG. then it's RJ.
then it's the same cycle of
wake up - mrt - school - stress - concrete - stress - rain . . .
that's it for me.

hypocrite.

that's me all right.
I wrote a bloody report on sudan and I'm still barking upset about reality.
people would give anything for my life here in Singapore now.
I know that.
I appreciate that.

but I really wanted aotearoa.
wanted it a bit too much.

depression.

I've plenty of reasons to be stressed and depressed.
scoring in maths doesn't make me happy.
dreaming of glaciers. mountains. fresh air. makes me so.
but this stress hasn't really shown itself glaringly so far.
I thank aotearoa for that.

but now she's gone.
my source of hope gone.

content.

I'm displeaced, discontented and disheartened now.
I'm not gonna study for french.
but I know deep down. I should be happy.
I have health. I have family.
what more should I rightfully want.

I just wanted aotearoa too much.

and I still do.