piriya, farzana.
you owe me two bucks. [each]
i told you i knew things were going to be different.
i admit. not this different.

well. it's pretty obvious how i feel.
i think i scared a few people in moelc and the mrt.

honestly. i can't help but feel absolutely stupid right now.
yeah. stupid is the word.

firstly, for feeling this.
this isn't how i'm supposed to feel now.
something told me i wouldn't be in the exco.
i just knew it, but i had blind faith.
so i was prepared for it.
but not prepared for this.
it shocks me. how emo i am.

and then i think. maybe i'm not emo.
i was just overconfident.
hey. it just might be true i'm not cut out for this.
never was.
and then i say. who the hell was i kidding.
omg. ego.
well it is one real blow.
and accepting that. i'm finding difficult.
it's horrible to admit.
but it's natural i guess.

but then i think.
maybe i wasn't overconfident.
i've learnt not to let things that matter get over my head.
how could i let them this time?
maybe i was honestly confident.
and capable.
and people = not helping.
so i'm capable. but not so.
?

and then i think.
if i had known things would turn out this way.
would i have done anything differently?

i just know i wouldn't have.
and i know i'm not going to compromise my part either.
so then, what really matters. is still there.
who cares about what's written?
dance still means the same to me.

but then i think.
maybe what's written matters a bit.
not about my dedication.
but about my actions.
it's going to determine awkardness
and the degree of extraness.
face it.
it is.

and so i think. compromise.
i've been good at it for so long.
another shot at it again.

and then after all this mixed feelings.
of maybe i was wrong.
or the decision wrong.
or both wrong.

i think.
it's a cca.
20 years down. who's going to know heck about it?
ha. my last feeble attempt at a selfish form of comfort.

i know i'll know heck about it.
so if there's one good thing.
i've realised dance means more to me than i thought so.
now i'll keep that in mind.
and be the bigger person.

hey. what's done is done.
let's all look towards the future.
we're in this, as a team.

and i sincerely apologise.
to those poor souls.
who sat through this damn selfish ranting.
i've sounded quite stupid.
i hope this stupidity goes away soon.